I Still Don’t Have My Shit Together

As a 30 something year old woman, I have achieved a great deal of professional success, but I still don’t have my shit together.

I have been on the front page of the Washington Post and I have been interviewed in The New York Times. Still, I do not have my shit together.

I founded a nonprofit organization for people living with mental illness. Still, I do not have my shit together.

I went from being a blogger to a professional writer in seven years. Still, I do not have my shit together.

I have won multiple awards for my writing and been recognized by large communities of prestigious people. Still, I do not have my shit together.

I am raising two children in the one of the most expensive cities in the entire country.

And yet still, I do not have my shit together.

I graduated from New York University with a 3.4 GPA. I am a smart and attractive woman. But still, I do not have my shit together.

What does it mean to have one’s shit together? I’m not sure, but every day I feel like I do not have it together. I can’t find my keys, I’m consistently broke, I barely make it through the day without having a self loathing thought, I am a needy anxious individual. I compulsively text my friends and sometimes my texts are inappropriate. I lose things, my house is a mess, and I’m a mess most of the time.

I do not have my shit together.

But…

What if I told you that nobody really has their shit together?

Well it’s true.

For every flaw I just listed, there are things that I am good at. I’m a loyal friend, I’m a great mom, I’m a supportive romantic partner and I am a passionate tenacious person and I use that for the good of the world.

I am an empath. And I like to help people in whatever way that I can. I don’t give up ever even if it feels like things are not working out, I know they will work out in the way that they’re supposed to.

Still, I don’t have my shit together.

And you know what? I don’t think I ever fucking will. But it doesn’t matter. Because I know that having your shit together is overrated. Having your shit together is a myth.

If you think you don’t have your shit together you’re right. But you’re still a wonderful person. I am sitting next to you at the lunch table and I don’t have my shit together either.

I have met many people in my life who have said (in one way or another) that they do not want to see a therapist. They would rather talk to a friend or family member than a stranger. While I understand this concept, I disagree with it. I asked one of my friends why he didn’t want to see a therapist. His answer was “I don’t feel comfortable talking to someone I don’t know.” What he was saying (from my understanding) was that he was afraid to reveal the innermost details of his life to someone he barely knew. What I would say to someone like this is that at first, you don’t “know” your therapist. But over time, you come to know them deeply as a person who is guiding you to become the best version of yourself. You are the one doing the work, the therapist is there to show you the best ways to help yourself.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 years old. I have been involved in a variety of therapeutic modalities from psychoanalysis, psychodynamic, gestalt, family systems to CBT. Each of these types of therapy worked for me in different ways. Practically the most important kind of therapy that was the most practical and useful for me was CBT or Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The reason CBT worked so well for me is that I live with anxiety and depression. As a result of managing these two mental health issues, I have a variety of what are referred to as “cognitive distortions.” I perceive situations and human interactions in a distorted manner from what is really going on. One of the most common distortions that I engage in is catastrophizing. This means that I imagine a situation and then jump to the worst case scenario. Here’s an example of that: let’s say I am at the airport and the plane is delayed. My first though in this circumstance is that there is something horribly wrong with the plane, I shouldn’t get on it, and it’s most certainly going to crash to the ground. This is a classic example of catastrophizing. I know nothing about the mechanical workings of the plane and I cannot conclude that there is something wrong with it. I am not an airplane mechanic and I’m not going to pretend to understand how an aircraft operates.

Going to CBT showed me that I can look at my catastrophizing thoughts and see that they were irrational. It’s not definitive that something bad is going to happen, and we cannot tell the future. We may have an idea or concept about how matters will work out, but we cannot know for sure what the future holds. It’s best to live in the present moment and stay away from catastrophizing. CBT showed me concrete tools for managing my thoughts and feelings. One of the basic tenets of CBT is that thoughts are not feelings. Once we can learn to distinguish between these two things, we are ahead of the game emotionally. We can better manage or feelings once we understand that our thoughts are not always accurate.

I’ve enjoyed the other forms of therapy I’ve encountered, such as family systems. In this modality, the patient enters a meditative state and speaks to a younger part of herself. We have core memories that have impacted us throughout our lives. We can find the younger version of ourselves and heal by speaking to his nine-year-old as an example. I found this form of therapy useful because it allowed me to confront emotional issues that I wasn’t aware that I’d had as a child and a teenager.

Not every form of therapy is meant for every individual. It’s important to try different kinds of therapy before you choose which one resonates with you.

Resource: 

betterhelp.com/advice/general/i-need-someone-to-talk-to-about-my-problems-but-where-do-i-turn/

 

If I were a robot

If I were a robot I would be stoic. I wouldn’t react or get angry. I would only say things I meant to say because I was programmed to do that.

Beep

If I were a robot I would clean my house on a regular schedule because robots are organized like that.

Beep

As a robot I could observe feels but not feel them. I don’t want to feel; feelings are exhausting.

If I were a robot I would never be tired. I could help people without feeling tired or resentful.

Being a robot I could multitask without my brain exploding. I want that.

If I were I a robot I wouldn’t give a shit about how I looked.

If I were a robot I could just go on and never have to cry.

Most importantly- If I were a robot I would always make a calculated well-thought out decision (without emotions getting involved) about relationships and friendships.

Why can’t I be a robot?

 

My heart is sore today and I’m embracing it instead of running from the pain. Sometimes this happens and the most productive thing for me to do is to look inward and ask myself “what are you thinking and what are you feeling?” Once I know my thoughts, I am better able to understand my feelings. I am hurting today because I worry that I will end up alone. I am sad because I don’t want to live my life without a partner who gets me. I’m not under the delusion that there will be a man who gets me all the time; that person simply doesn’t exist. The concept of a romantic partner who understands you 100 percent of the time is like a unicorn or another mythological creature.

You don’t understand you 100 percent of the time, so finding someone who gets you all the time is an irrational expectation. What you can find is someone who compliments you and is able to accept you for who you are and love you to the best of their ability. In turn, you will love that person as deeply and passionately as you can. You will fight and find flaws in one another. You will cry when you don’t feel understood, and then you find a way to work through that pain and come together again. I believe that sort of connection is out there for all of us, and that’s not a hyperbole. I want to meet a man who knows what the word “hyperbole” means both in math and in English. I also happen to love the word parabola and there is someone out there who appreciates my love of random words; I know there is.

There is a man out there for me and honestly, I hope that that man is someone I’ve already met; I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

I want to share my life with someone and there is nothing wrong with that. I could argue this point from a biological perspective and assert that human beings are social animals, but ultimately I don’t fucking care about that. I care about being in a warm all-encompassing embrace.

And sure, not every relationship is perfect. We need to work hard on our partnerships to make long-lasting healthy relationships. So, I want the opportunity to do that with a man and I am not ashamed to admit that to myself and others.

If you’re out there reading this and you want to have a romantic partner, I support your pursuit of happiness.

Love is a wonderful part of life; you deserve to be loved and so do I.