I don’t particularly like to go to parties. I’m an introvert and it isn’t fun. So, it’s hard for me to be around lots of people. Especially if one of the people hurts my feelings. Yeah, that’s the other thing, I’m sensitive. It’s a drag and it makes me frustrated at times. I would rather be a robot. But instead, I am the complete opposite of that. I am a highly sensitive person and my feelings are easily hurt, unfortunately. So for example, if I were at a party and someone I didn’t know said something to me that hurt my feelings, I wouldn’t say anything to them directly because I don’t know them. Most likely, because of my sensitivity, I would go into the bathroom and cry. When someone hurts my feelings, whether I know them or not, it triggers me and I can’t figure out the exact reason why I’m upset at that moment. It takes me some time to process those feelings. Going into the bathroom gets me away from the situation and helps me be in a safe place. It’s like when I used to cry in the shower and hide from my kids so they didn’t see it happening.

When I feel intense emotions I don’t want anyone to see me. Unless I am extremely close to you, I don’t feel comfortable showing that level of vulnerability to you. There have been times that I’ve cried publicly. I’ve cried at work in various scenarios or on the subway or the bus, but I prefer not to do that. I would rather be in some sort of private setting so that I can process emotions with myself by myself. There have been times that I cried on the train in New York and a random stranger asked if I was okay. That was actually kind of nice. The thing is, sometimes I can’t help it if I have to cry. It’s like having to use the bathroom when you gotta go, you gotta go.

When I have to cry, I have to cry. It’s a matter of where I cry. Having a good cathartic cry is something that can’t be replicated. It’s a distinct feeling and it helps me get my emotions out of my body. When I cry it’s a full body experience. The emotion begins in my chest and then comes out of my eyes. I don’t try to stop myself from crying, although when I was a child I did. I would feel the lump in my throat and try to push it back down because I was embarrassed that I might cry. I cried a lot as a kid. I have always been sensitive and when I was in school, I felt misunderstood. Another kid would make a snide remark about the way I ate my lunch and I would feel that lump in my throat rise. But I didn’t succumb to it, I held my tears inside.

I don’t do that anymore. If I’m at a party, I don’t know you and you hurt me, I am going to excuse myself, go to a private place like the bathroom or a coat closet and cry. It’s my right to feel my feelings.

Working at home can feel lonely. One of the main reasons for this is that you are literally alone. I am at my computer, typing listening to music and there is nobody there but me. That is the essence of being alone. I like that solitude. I am alone with my thoughts. But when I am alone for too long I start to crave interactions with people. I want to be around them. I want to see familiar faces and drink coffee with adults I enjoy being around. Too much alone time isn’t healthy for me, even though I am an introvert. I need that downtime to decompress sure. But I also need to see someone other than myself so that I can get that feedback. I want to have a back and forth dialogue and get that stimulation of talking with someone.

People who have anxiety and/or OCD often seek reassurance from other people. I am guilty of this. What this means is, if I’m not sure about whether or not I should do something, I will ask someone I love to reassure me that I’m making the right choice. This is a slippery slope. If friends and family enable this behavior, the behavior will continue. That means your loved ones have to get real with you. The goal for the anxious person is to be able to reassurance themselves or live with the uncomfortable feeling that possibly there is no reassurance. So, for example, I’m in the grocery store. I don’t know whether or not I should get this package of chocolate bars. I’m at the cash register and I desperately want to ask the cashier if she thinks I should get them. That would be reassurance seeking. What could I do instead? I could make the decision independently. To do that I’d have to live with the uncomfortable feeling that I was “making the wrong choice.” Maybe I’m trying to cut sugar out of my diet or maybe I haven’t had chocolate for a while and I feel like treating myself instead.

WHAT DO I DO?

I can’t ask the cashier if I want to work on reassurance seeking. I need to figure that out on my own.

Another form of reassurance seeking is when you ask someone to tell you that nothing bad is going to happen. So let’s say that I’m eating a bagel and it drops on the floor. I might ask you “is it okay to eat this or should I throw it out?” And then you tell me that the five-second rule applies and I can still eat it. But, even AFTER you tell me that I still ask you again if I can eat the bagel without something bad happening to me. You tell me once again, that I will not die from eating this bagel. Now, I start to get upset, panicky even, maybe I even start to cry and you don’t understand why. I’m in crisis mode now, and it’s about a bagel. You start thinking this is out of control. And you would be right. It’s out of control, but I’m not doing it on purpose. I have OCD and I need you to reassure me that something bad is not going to happen.

Or do I?

No, I don’t. I can develop the internal tools in therapy to reassure myself that nothing terrible will happen if I eat a bagel that fell on the floor. It might be scary for me because I have a fear of germs or whatever, but I can do it. The point is not to rely on other people to help me through this traumatic experience.

Living with mental health issues is never easy. But, when we learn to be more self-reliant, trust ourselves, and use our coping skills effectively we will live more fulfilling lives.

I used to wish there was someone to take care of me, yes as an adult. Why? Because taking care of yourself is hard. I do it every day, and I’m exhausted. I wish I didn’t have to take care of myself. I wish someone would show me some outfit options and let me choose what I wanted to wear the next day. I wish there was someone to make things better in general, but the truth is, only I can make things better for me. There isn’t a person who is going to “fix” things for me. And even if there was I don’t know if I’d actually want that. I remember being in various romantic relationships where we tried counseling. One of the issues that continually would come up was my need to be taken care of as if I couldn’t do it for myself. But I realized after some introspection and work on myself in my own therapeutic process, that I CAN take care of myself, it’s just HARD.

When I was a child, I looked at adults like they were superheroes. They seemed to know things, have everything together, in order, and it all made sense. It was magical, and I couldn’t understand how it was possible. How did they make that happen? They were easily able to keep jobs, pay bills, and maintain their lives. It was mind-boggling.

The thing that prevented me from believing I could take care of myself was anxiety. Because I live with a significant anxiety disorder (or three) I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. What if I had a panic attack? I wouldn’t be able to function by myself. I’d need the help of another person for reassurance. Due to my anxiety disorder, I often seek reassurance from others. It can be exhausting to them, but for me it’s comforting. I want to know that everything is going to be all right, and at times I don’t seem to have the tools to show myself that. I’m learning, but it’s definitely a process. It’s about learning to trust myself more. I have a mantra that’s worked for me: “I trust me.”

Now that I put myself to the test, moved across the country, got an apartment and started working as a full-time writer, I realized that (without knowing it) I’ve been taking care of myself all along. Sure, I still need people from time to time, but we ALL do. Just because you take care of yourself, doesn’t mean you don’t need other human beings in your life. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. I have a better perspective on what it means to take care of myself. It doesn’t mean isolating and pretending like I’m the only person who exists. But, it is about me putting myself first, which for a long time I had a difficult time doing. Now I know that I need to do that in order to be well.

What about you? Do you have trouble taking care of yourself or are you used to doing it?

I was sitting in my psychiatric nurse’s office and I said: “I don’t want to have bipolar disorder.”  At this point, I didn’t know what my diagnosis actually was. But her response stuck with me. She looked at me with caring eyes (you know because she’s a nice Portland person) and said: “Nobody wants to have anything.” It stopped me in my tracks. She was right. Nobody wants to have a mental illness. Nobody wants to have cancer. Nobody wants to have Alzheimer’s. Nobody wants to have a condition that causes them to feel bad. Acknowledging these things that we may have can cause you to feel depressed. Nobody wants to worry about their health to the point where they’re not living life.

With my anxiety disorder, I am constantly worrying about things. I am worried about people’s perceptions of me. I’m worried there’s “something wrong with me.” It’s seriously exhausting. Do you think I want to have that? No, I absolutely do NOT want to have anxiety. I don’t wish anxiety, panic or anything in that category upon anyone. It’s such a hard thing to live with. Anxiety is misunderstood, it’s highly stigmatized and underplayed. Anxiety is something that so many of us are afraid to admit we have. Why? Because to some people out there, anxiety means weakness. It’s not though. No mental illness is weakness and if you have one, it’s not a judgment on you or your character.

Nobody wants to have anything. They don’t, but unfortunately, we all have something. It might not be a mental illness, but it’s something. Life is extremely unpredictable and even writing this now causes me to have anxiety. What is going to happen to me tomorrow? I don’t know. Yeah, my anxiety is making another appearance. It never goes away that anxiety. I’ve come to the point where I’m not surprised by anxiety anymore. When it peaks its head out, I say hello and I decide at that moment whether or not I want to engage with it. Sometimes acknowledging anxiety is helpful and other times, giving anxiety the time of day is just feeding anxiety’s ego. It’s a balance and we need to find a middle ground, anxiety and I.

That’s probably true for many mental health issues. They’re always there, whether you’re “stable” or being plagued by a symptom. We are dealing with our “something.” Acceptance is a part of managing what you’ve been dealt in life, that’s a part of it. But I believe it’s also about understanding what you’ve got to work with. If you’re too afraid to face what you’re living with every day, you won’t be able to grow.

Right now, I’m working on not being afraid of my anxiety. It sounds funny, right? Anxiety is fear. But when I get anxious I am afraid of being anxious. It’s what they call “meta-anxiety.” I seriously wish I could stop thinking sometimes, but unfortunately, that isn’t how I was built.

However you were built, and whatever “something” you have, I hope you can embrace it!

People with anxiety frequently think that other people hate them. Yes, hate is a strong word and all that. But, I’m consistently thinking that people hate me. I have no idea why either. It’s part of living with anxiety I guess. It’s probably due to overthinking and being overly concerned about what other people think about me. This is something that I’ve heard people who have anxiety (like me) complain about. I’ve come to terms that I have a severe anxiety disorder. I’m used to worrying and not being able to control my racing/anxious thoughts. The repetitive thought that plagues me though is “does that person hate me?” Okay, so I was just talking to my friend on the phone right? We were having an intense emotional conversation and all of a sudden he was gone. I looked at my phone and the call had dropped…or had he hung up me?

OH NO! Did I offend him? 

The thoughts didn’t stop after that. They just kept going and going and my brain was making up all kinds of stories about what happened. I was convinced that he hated me and I texted him a novel about how sorry I was and that I hope things got better for him. LOW AND BEHOLD five minutes later after I was obsessing about him hating me, he texted me and said: “my phone died.” I cannot express to you the relief I felt upon receiving that text. The sun came out from behind the clouds and everything was well in the universe again.

HE DID NOT HATE ME.

There was tangible proof. Then I called him and asked him if he hated me just to make sure. He said he didn’t, so that was reassuring. I checked that off my list of things to worry about for the day.

But this is such a common fear for people who live with anxiety. We often are convinced that people hate us and it just isn’t true. Also, thinking that someone hates you is kind of extreme. It’s more likely that they’re upset with you, which isn’t hating you.

This is definitely something to work on in therapy, whether that’s using an online therapist or an in-person one. It’s upsetting to feel like people hate you all the time. It’s something I’ve personally been targeting in my own therapy sessions. It gets tricky when there are other anxiety-based disorders working at the same time. For example, the thing about having anxiety and OCD together (which I have) is that you will think someone hates you and you CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. It’ll go round and round in your brain. Medication does help with this, but the work is primarily done in therapy.

You have to be dedicated to working on anxiety. Without that dedication, you will continue to believe the worries that are in your head. I promise you that not everyone hates you. I know you might not believe me, but I’m telling you it’s true.

Sometimes you don’t have to call a friend

Sometimes you don’t have to call a friend when things seem dire. This doesn’t apply to every time. But I can speak for myself when I say that I often reach out to a friend when I am feeling extremely anxious. This is a form of self soothing. But it’s not always possible. Sometimes people can’t pick up the phone for example.

In those cases it’s important to be able to self soothe. I am working on learning ways to do that and my therapist is helping as well. If you are having trouble learning these skills you can work on them in therapy and sometimes you may not even have to pay for that form of counseling.

So what does self soothing look like? Let’s say that you have an intrusive thought. It causes your heart to race and it’s the only thing that you can think about in this moment. Look around you and notice five things that you see. A tree, the road, wheels on a car, my feet and the coffee shop I am standing in front of.

By naming these things out loud I was able to focus on something other than my anxiety. It distracted my brain from feeling badly. This is a grounding exercise that you can use when you feel like anxiety is running the show.

Another thing you can do is take out your journal or notebook you have in your bag and start writing. Writing is free therapy and it’s a wonderful practice to do when you’re feeling depressed, anxious or even angry of frustrated.

If you don’t have anything to write with you can type your feelings into a note on your phone. You can even write yourself an email with how you’re feeling and save it or delete it; it’s your choice.

Breathing is an excellent way to ground yourself. You’ve probably heard about this so much that you’re sick of hearing it but I’m going to tell you about it anyway. Breathe in through your nose and feel your lungs fill up with air and then breathe out through your mouth. Your breath is always with you and can help you snap back into your body. This is great for obsessive thoughts. There have been times when I felt like I am looking at myself from the outside in. Once I started to use my breath I felt immediately more grounded and calmer. I know it can be hard to believe that breathing can help you. I was skeptical too but it does work for me. Try this and see if it works for you when you’re feeling especially anxious.

Your first line of defense against anxiety or any other uncomfortable feeling is to try to manage it by yourself. This is what I’m trying to do before I reach out to a friend. If you’re having difficulty then I would suggest reaching out to your friend after you try these things.

Dealing with anxiety is not easy but we can practice these techniques to help ourselves feel better. What technique works for you when you are trying to self soothe?

I was talking to this mom recently and we were exchanging life stories. She and I commiserated on a lot of different topics. During the conversation, she said, “people tell me that they see a therapist and I say, I don’t need a therapist. That’s what I have friends for.” In my mind, I thought it was a good point but I see the value in therapy since I’ve been in it for half of my life. I juggled with the idea in my mind of trying to show her the value of therapy. I wondered if that was something I needed or was obligated to do.

I casually mentioned that I do have a therapist and I like her a lot. The mom was accepting of this and we each saw each other’s side. It was actually kind of a nice interaction where I didn’t feel judged and I don’t think she did either.

This conversation got me thinking: can you be your own therapist? What if you had the ability to work through your problems without the help of a professional to guide you? There is a form of therapy called Client-Centered Therapy or Person-Centered Therapy where the person on the couch leads the session. It’s kind of interesting and in some ways you are your own therapist. The therapist is taking your initiative and encouraging you to help yourself.

I guess it is possible to help yourself without a therapist too. You could journal, lean on the support of your friends and family and things. But when you have legitimate mental health concerns, generally I would recommend working with a therapist rather than doing it on your own. It’s sort of like climbing a mountain; you could do it by yourself, but wouldn’t it be easier with someone who knew the trail to guide you?

That’s how I look at therapists. They are trailblazers of the mind; helping people to help themselves. When you get stuck on something they help you to get unstuck.

But the question remains: can you be your own therapist? Do you really need one? I don’t know. I’ve heard people talk about becoming dependent on their therapist, which to me seems possible. But if you recognize that the purpose of going to therapy is to find the tools to help yourself, then you’re less likely to fall into this pattern.

I guess the idea is that we can’t determine what is going to work best for one person. All we know is what works for us. We can be there to support our friends in time of need, but that’s not about being their therapist, that’s about being a friend. Having genuine empathy for your friends is important. It still doesn’t take the place of a therapist.

Actually, a pet peeve of mine is when a friend starts to act like my therapist. Be my friend, not my clinician.

What do you think? Do you think that your friends can take the place of a therapist or not?

Can you be friends with your ex? This is a question that people have many conflicting opinions on. If you have children together, it is to your benefit to be friends with this person at least have an amicable relationship with them. However, if you have no familial ties to your ex then you do not have an obligation to remain friends with them. I think the most challenging thing when trying to remain friends with your ex is seeing that the relationship is different from when you were together.

I believe some space is required for this to be possible. If you try to be friends right away you’ll be reminded of memories of you two going on dates or romantic getaways. Once you break up, try not to reach out to your ex for as long as humanly possible. This allows you time to heal from the break up and you don’t continually aggravate the wound. This can be challenging but it is for your benefit. The tricky thing is what if they reach out to you? It’s up to you to set the boundary and say “I need some space right now.” If you don’t do this then you’ll end up in a gray area and confuse what is going on in the relationship. Are you together or not? Once you’ve had some space from each other (maybe a month or so) it’s reasonable to go out to dinner and reevaluate, but not when you first breakup; the wound is too fresh.