Repressed memories are a funny thing and by funny I mean, scary. There are things that I wish I remembered from my childhood, but actually, do I want to remember them? I’m not sure if I could handle those influx of memories. There are memories that I believe are real, based on events that have happened. However, I’m not sure if I need them up in my head because they’ve hurt me. They’ve been causing me pain dating back to so long ago. There’s a memory that I’m pretty sure happened when I was three, but I’m still not sure if it’s “real” or it “actually happened.” It seems so distant. It appears like a rainbow faintly hovering in the sky. It’s not a pretty memory, so maybe a rainbow isn’t the best analogy there.

I have PTSD and some of my triggers are not understandable to me. I can only speculate as to what they’re related to. I do know is that I get panic attacks at seemingly random times and I’m not sure of the actual reasons for them. I have managed to figure out how to cope with panic attacks through medication and therapy but I still don’t understand why some of them occur.

I’ve done a variation on hypnotherapy that incorporates family systems theory. It helped me to get in touch with the things that I may repressed from my past. It also guided me toward figuring out how to heal. I’ve never formally done true hypnotherapy. I am curious about hypnosis as a treatment for trauma. Although there is something the frightens me about doing hypnosis, because I have issues with control. I wonder if there’s anyone who actually does not have control issues. Maybe a person who does mindfulness meditation and lots of yoga has less issues with trying to control things. However, I think as a rule, most people have some sort of control issues. If given the choice they would prefer to be able to control some of what’s happening. Under hypnosis, I would not have control over my actions, and that frightens me to no end.

I wonder if it would be worth it though. Perhaps lacking control would be a positive experience for me. I could figure out how to cope with that feeling of powerlessness and begin to heal from my trauma. There are many situations in which I do not have control. There are a number of scenarios in which accepting that I lacked control helped me to grow as a person.

If there is anything to be gained from undergoing hypnosis, I would love to give it a shot. But it’s about taking that leap and seeing if I am brave enough to try something new. There are risks involved in being hypnotized. If people have been through serious trauma and there are some core memories that come up during hypnosis, that could be intense. I’ll consider this treatment for myself, but I’m not entirely sure if it’s the right move for me. If I do try hypnosis I’ll let you all know what happens.