I was sitting in my psychiatric nurse’s office and I said: “I don’t want to have bipolar disorder.”  At this point, I didn’t know what my diagnosis actually was. But her response stuck with me. She looked at me with caring eyes (you know because she’s a nice Portland person) and said: “Nobody wants to have anything.” It stopped me in my tracks. She was right. Nobody wants to have a mental illness. Nobody wants to have cancer. Nobody wants to have Alzheimer’s. Nobody wants to have a condition that causes them to feel bad. Acknowledging these things that we may have can cause you to feel depressed. Nobody wants to worry about their health to the point where they’re not living life.

With my anxiety disorder, I am constantly worrying about things. I am worried about people’s perceptions of me. I’m worried there’s “something wrong with me.” It’s seriously exhausting. Do you think I want to have that? No, I absolutely do NOT want to have anxiety. I don’t wish anxiety, panic or anything in that category upon anyone. It’s such a hard thing to live with. Anxiety is misunderstood, it’s highly stigmatized and underplayed. Anxiety is something that so many of us are afraid to admit we have. Why? Because to some people out there, anxiety means weakness. It’s not though. No mental illness is weakness and if you have one, it’s not a judgment on you or your character.

Nobody wants to have anything. They don’t, but unfortunately, we all have something. It might not be a mental illness, but it’s something. Life is extremely unpredictable and even writing this now causes me to have anxiety. What is going to happen to me tomorrow? I don’t know. Yeah, my anxiety is making another appearance. It never goes away that anxiety. I’ve come to the point where I’m not surprised by anxiety anymore. When it peaks its head out, I say hello and I decide at that moment whether or not I want to engage with it. Sometimes acknowledging anxiety is helpful and other times, giving anxiety the time of day is just feeding anxiety’s ego. It’s a balance and we need to find a middle ground, anxiety and I.

That’s probably true for many mental health issues. They’re always there, whether you’re “stable” or being plagued by a symptom. We are dealing with our “something.” Acceptance is a part of managing what you’ve been dealt in life, that’s a part of it. But I believe it’s also about understanding what you’ve got to work with. If you’re too afraid to face what you’re living with every day, you won’t be able to grow.

Right now, I’m working on not being afraid of my anxiety. It sounds funny, right? Anxiety is fear. But when I get anxious I am afraid of being anxious. It’s what they call “meta-anxiety.” I seriously wish I could stop thinking sometimes, but unfortunately, that isn’t how I was built.

However you were built, and whatever “something” you have, I hope you can embrace it!

 

 

People with anxiety frequently think that other people hate them. Yes, hate is a strong word and all that. But, I’m consistently thinking that people hate me. I have no idea why either. It’s part of living with anxiety I guess. It’s probably due to overthinking and being overly concerned about what other people think about me. This is something that I’ve heard people who have anxiety (like me) complain about. I’ve come to terms that I have a severe anxiety disorder. I’m used to worrying and not being able to control my racing/anxious thoughts. The repetitive thought that plagues me though is “does that person hate me?” Okay, so I was just talking to my friend on the phone right? We were having an intense emotional conversation and all of a sudden he was gone. I looked at my phone and the call had dropped…or had he hung up me?

OH NO! Did I offend him? 

The thoughts didn’t stop after that. They just kept going and going and my brain was making up all kinds of stories about what happened. I was convinced that he hated me and I texted him a novel about how sorry I was and that I hope things got better for him. LOW AND BEHOLD five minutes later after I was obsessing about him hating me, he texted me and said: “my phone died.” I cannot express to you the relief I felt upon receiving that text. The sun came out from behind the clouds and everything was well in the universe again.

HE DID NOT HATE ME.

There was tangible proof. Then I called him and asked him if he hated me just to make sure. He said he didn’t, so that was reassuring. I checked that off my list of things to worry about for the day.

But this is such a common fear for people who live with anxiety. We often are convinced that people hate us and it just isn’t true. Also, thinking that someone hates you is kind of extreme. It’s more likely that they’re upset with you, which isn’t hating you.

This is definitely something to work on in therapy, whether that’s using an online therapist or an in-person one. It’s upsetting to feel like people hate you all the time. It’s something I’ve personally been targeting in my own therapy sessions. It gets tricky when there are other anxiety-based disorders working at the same time. For example, the thing about having anxiety and OCD together (which I have) is that you will think someone hates you and you CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. It’ll go round and round in your brain. Medication does help with this, but the work is primarily done in therapy.

You have to be dedicated to working on anxiety. Without that dedication, you will continue to believe the worries that are in your head. I promise you that not everyone hates you. I know you might not believe me, but I’m telling you it’s true.